Since the American Mustache Institute’s public emergence in the early 2000s after working some 35 years in the shadows, the month of November has held a prominent distinction. Indeed, it is the most widely recognized time period during which bare-faced mortal men and women discover, or in some cases, rediscover, a deeply masculine and ruggedly handsome life of facial hair — oftentimes in an effort to fight men’s cancers. Since pre-Cambrian times, human ancestors and even Alabama residents have known that the best defense against sickness, impending cold weather, poverty and stupidity is the girth of a facial mane — basic facts of nature and laser cocksmanship which remain true to this day.
With these tenants of historical fact in mind, the non-partisan American Mustache Institute — broadly considered the bravest organization in the history of mankind behind only the U.S. military and the post-Jim Henson Muppets — along with Wahl Grooming – the preeminent producer of crumb-catching pruning products — today issued five vital tips of a multi-disciplinary education-focused public service partnership called the November Facial Hair Survival Guide. The effort focuses on mandating effective and proper facial hair growth during November to ensure for effective, efficient, long-lasting attractiveness.
“For many weaker Americans, November is a time of extreme experimentation while they work to determine their ability to accept a lifestyle of facial hair,” said Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove, chief executive of the American Mustache Institute (AMI). “We have a responsibility to assist those embarking on their journey to a better tomorrow, and along with Wahl we will achieve this mandate with swift militancy.”
Led by Dr. Causgrove and AMI’s Thermo Nuclear Mustachery Division in partnership with Wahl, the November Facial Hair Survival Guide will provide some 833 steps — released throughout the month — sharing insights and best practices for experiencing a sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle or simply one of broader facial hair. The effort, Dr. Causgrove hopes, will ease the burden and pave the road toward a more effective, efficient, and prosperous life.
“We’re ushering in a pilgrimage,” he noted. “The journey to a fully-embraced Mustached American lifestyle begins with putting down the razor on day one, and we are here to hold your naturally calloused and possibly quivering hand through what may be a challenging first month.”
Five starter tips in the November Facial Hair Survival Guide released today include:
- TIP #69 - Don’t forget to ‘stache match: Your mustache is just one part of the equation as it relates to your personal style. First, your ‘stache style must fit your face – and both AMI and Wahl offer a variety of options. But wardrobe matters too. Think smoking jackets, Speedos, Hawaiian shirts, flannel shirts, Dickie’s, Hulkamania tees and tank-tops that are three sizes too small.
- TIP #340 - Never give up, ever: Some claim they don’t grow mustaches because they can’t cultivate “a good mustache.” But never forget what it says in mystical texts – “There is no such thing as a bad mustache. Only bad people who do not own, nor operate, mustaches.” Translation: Stop shaving and experience the joy of the follically endowed.
- TIP #455 - Leash the beast: A mustache is like a wild animal and must be tamed accordingly. How so? By deftly maneuvering an appropriate trimming instrument to keep it in proper form.
- TIP #21 - Give it the rock-star treatment: Just like nurturing the health of children through fruits, vegetables, vitamins, milk and more – you must nurture the beast that is your new mouth rug. Feed it bacon, beer, steak, more bacon, ham, and low-grade Kentucky bourbon whiskey.
- TIP #833 - The party’s over when you say it is: While men trim, shaving is for the weak. So once November ends, you must fight the urging of the clean-shaven aristocracy to remove said facial fur. After all, as it says in the Dead Sea Scrolls, “Each time a mustache is shaved; an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.” And no one – no one – wants to see an angel hurt.
For the third year, Wahl has joined forces with ZERO – The End of Prostate Cancer to support their seasonal Grow & Give campaign to recruit guys who beard up in November to use their whiskers to spread the word and raise money to end prostate cancer, the second largest cause of deaths in men. As a sponsor, Wahl is sweetening the pot by donating facial hair trimmers to the top fundraisers.
“By growing facial hair men can not only support Grow & Give, but their beards and mustaches can spark important conversations, making them walking, talking billboards for the cause,” said Steven Yde, division vice president for Wahl. “While they are growing we strongly encourage guys to fully embrace the facial hair lifestyle and pick up a Wahl trimmer to maintain their style after November as well.”